Moving Forward

Tonight I read a passage on my friend Morgan’s preschool blog, that simply talked about the let down after a fun filled school year in her preschool and how hard it was to avoid the let down of that year coming to a close, of missing her students smiling faces and not wanting to bond with the next years group simply for having to avoid the let down. I'll quote her, because she expresses her self so much better than I can, she said "don't let the inevitable let down get the best of you. get attached. it is worth it."

That phrase hit right at home. I realized that I do this very thing. I don't get attached, I struggle with it. I hold myself at arms distance from people so that I don't have to experience the heartache of that relationship going sour. I non-intentionally avoid making those connections. Result: being disappointed in myself for not making close connections. It's a horrible cycle. I'm trying so hard to break free of it because I enjoy making close friendships. I really do.

I also discovered that I started doing this once my mother fell away from the church. Everything she'd taught me my whole life while being raise in the gospel, was washed away in one summer. The one person I trusted completely went back on her word. This person replaced my mother with someone I barely recognized. I have never completely forgiven her for that. I'm trying but it takes time. Since then major events in my life happened and it just made it worse because she wasn't there. Like receiving my endowments, being sealed in the temple with my best friend, blessing our babies, etc. were all huge details in my life that she wasn't there for because of the decisions she made. That sounds horrible. I am an adult and I make my own choices and I can't hold her accountable for my life, but seriously, I have trust issues. If I can't even open myself to new people that I don't even know, something needs to change.

All of these feelings resurfaced because I recently got into a fight with her. She said some very hurtful things that shocked me to the core. Since that summer long ago, I thought she was slowly moving forward, getting closer to the church, but when she said those things. I realized that that wasn't the case. Bitterness consumes her, she hasn't moved forward because she hasn't let the past go. She is still the same angry person she was 12 years ago, or she wouldn't have said those things. I'm sorry if this is too personal, I've considered deleting this post several times already, but I have to let it out somehow and this is the only way to do it, with the support of my family and friends. My plan: is to express myself freely on my blog for now on, no holding myself back, I want to trust people and move forward. I normally don't fully express myself and don’t like people knowing my details. For fear of them using it against me, like me mother does. So I'm going to take Morgan's advice and get attached and not allow fear of the let down take over.